lucem_fero

My eyes are steely grey today
and my hair falls in waves
around my pallid face.

I miss talking into the air
And you being there to listen.

I guess that's why I'm writing more on this lately.
It's kind of like talking into the air, and knowing you're there.
Or at least that you will be soon.

Miss you.
Yes!
Two weeks!

Today was funny.
We built our mushroom headquarters- me, Joey, and Hayden.
It was fun. Cold, but fun.
And at lunch we got yummy soup
And some mysterious leprechaun left us apples and granola bars.
MMmmmMMMmm.

Oh,
And yesterday,
I ended up at the Stop NYRI Hearings at Colgate
And I ended up testifying.
What do you know.

Then we went out for drinks
And Susanna was like "I'll buy you a drink, I'll buy you a drink."
And everybody else was like "She's not 21, You're not 21."
(Everbody else meaning Cindy and Mr. Fagan)
And then my mom was like "I'm getting a chocolate martini."
And I was like "Uhp. I guess I'm driving home."

lol, but that was fun too.

Hmm...
Syracuse.
It is a space to fill.

UMMM...

Yeah.
CLASSES!

1. French
2. Psychology
3. Art
4. Art
5. Computer Art
6. PHOTOGRAPHY

YAY I got into the photography class
Woohooo!

I just ate a really good burger.
And then I puked.
Ew.

I'm sick.

At first I was just pretending to puke.
Because
I was like "I don't feel good; I think I'm gonna puke"
And my Dad said "well, just puke and get it over with."
And I was like "bleaaaahh."
And everyone was laughing
But then I really had to puke.

And I sat and puked in the bathroom
While everybody else just ate good burgers.

I don't want to go tell Nick he can't live with us.
I think he'd rather live with us than I would.

I feel as if I've lost something...

of myself.



Something of myself I should like to have....


I feel like I am repeating myself.
A desperate old rerun.
Except I've seen all of this before, so it's not even desperate anymore.
I'm just sitting back with the popcorn,
The lights flickering across my face.

What's a lease for anyways???

It is to guarantee them a certain amount of money.
Well, I don't want to guarantee you my money.
That's guaranteeing you my time.
And I don't even know you.
My time is mine.

I miss you too Bronwen.
Tell Morgan that I can't wait to see her.

Work to be done on two shows...
Not sure how this will work out.
Have postponed telling Donna about conflicts thus far.
Rehearsals overlapping for the next two weeks.
Blehhh...

Going Shopping, Going to the Beach.
These were good.
I like going places.

Colllllllllege.
Again.
I wish I could postpone for another semester.

My computer screen has a little red scribble on it
from Nick playing with my permanent markers.

haha.
Last night was very interesting.

My pink pants make me happy.
Pink pants have always brightened my days.


I'm excited about being a bird girl now!!!

Actually, I'm not really even that anxious.
ha.

Just a tiny bit.
It should be fun.

I can't not go to school.

Car?
School?
An apartment in Syracuse?

Is any of this what I want?
Maybe not, but will they be important in obtaining what I want?
How can I know?

So, basically,
if I don't get a decent job in Syracuse
ALL of the money I've made will go into rent.

I do not like this idea.
However...
There are people depending on me to pull through with this living situation.
And I am taken with the idea of living with these people.


College is not charming the pants off me right now...

Although I'm not as anxious about
anything
as I was six months ago.

~~~Hakunah Matata~~~

I kind of feel like Timon and Pumba really did have the right idea.
I should do whatever they did.
Eat grubs and chill.

Okay.

Let's see here...


I want to peel my scabs from Buster. They itch.



lol, all of my past months' entries consist of me complaining about needing or wanting very immediate things such as food
or sleep.

Ah, well. Time to go to rehearsal!

I need.

To go.

Somewhere.

Everywhere.

Boys are flaky.

Maybe I should be too.

<3...

Dum dee dumm.

Hmm, yes.

Talk about neurotic.
I am up at 3:20.
Making lists of things I should do.
During the day.

Ehem.
Pardon me while I laugh at myself.

I'm a little bit hungry.
I don't feel the least bit tired.
I know I will be tomorrow though.
Oh, bad sleeping schedules.

I am a black widow
Sitting in the shadow of the second hand
Withering
A message
That says “I miss you.”

I build in the soft darkness
Swiftly chasing the hammers of time
Sewing a song
That whispers “Stay”

I am a seamstress
Of daydreams and
schemes to try and skip a beat and find you
Telling myself to keep ticking along.
Creeping, Creating,
Around and around.

I miss you in the shadow of the second hand.
“Stay,” I whisper.

I feel so hungry right now

But I don't think any food could satiate me.

There's a banana with one bite taken out of it on the floor next to me.

I seriously can't think of one thing that I would LIKE to eat right now.

Even though there's a hollow in my stomach that should be filled...




I can't think of any other time that this has happened.

I don't want to sleeep alooooone...

Bread, maybe?

?...

Blekh.

Don't ever convince yourself that what is happening to you should not be happening.
Things unravel how they must.
Things that seem to be going wrong now will only be steps to getting to where you must go in the future.
While you are sad, don't think you shouldn't be.
Never deny a state you are in.
There is a time and place for sadness, and it is just as much a part of life as happiness.
We learn from everything that we are.
We learn ten times more from seeing what we are than from trying to be what we are not.
Your sadness is beautiful.
Because it is you.